It as quite a day yesterday-- I had a dental appointment--and Himself forgot where I was going-- he called my cell phone-- I was in the dental chair so could not answer it---- but--when I got out to the car and checked my phone and saw it was from our house, I knew there was trouble----himself was in a "panic" mode--did not know where I was----I think---thought I had left him--
When I got home, he was very very angry--In fact he was pounding the kitchen table--extremely upset--could not hear anything I said, as he had put oil in his ears--(why I do not know)--- So-----things have to change--#1--- I must get a chalk board and WRITE WHERE I AM---- so he won't forget it--and --- #2-- it seems to be time when I cannot leave him alone anymore--- Life has suddenly changed ----It was justa terrible evening----- for us both--
anyway, guess what else?----
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This is a day that I need to be strong --- face reality-forget dreaming------forget the tears--
Oh my goodness. Is there anyway maybe one of the grandkids could come spend the day with him? (You can offer to pay them as it might be really easy or it might not be so ...). If one of your boys is taking you to the eye appointment, maybe one of their kids can stay with Grandpa? I'm sorry it's the best I can think of, but at short notice it's hard to find someone. Take time to breath and clear your mind so you can focus on whatever needs to be done. I know you'll find the right answer, because like the rest of us, when the chips are down, we can be stronger than we think we are and smarter than we realise. Just know there's all of us out here wishing we could do more to help you out. Time for a family powwow? Can Himself come with you on the trip to Sudbury? You've got this Lynda. And you have all of us to give you the added strength needed too. Love and Hugs, Gaelyne
ReplyDeleteAwwww Gaelyne --Yu brought tears to my eyes--No--He cud not come because he needs to go to a bathroom a lot--I now have a Lady who has gone thru this, coming out to have coffee with him in the morning--then son#1 said he will stop in after work--and Lopez is going to Son#3---It really was a terrible evening yesterday-- I guess he panic-ed--called my cell but I could not answer it in the dental -- chair --To-day I will buy a black board that I can write where I am, on.---- and to-day, he cannot remember any of the horrible episode we went thru last evening--- Isn't it just a terrible disease when a person gets Dementoa --or whatever it is--??--Thank yu for being here--Lynda
DeleteIf you’re getting a ride to Sudbury could himself go and just sit in the backseat? D not, is there anyone locally- neighbour or grandkid that can sit with him? Do you have some kind of seniors daycare he could go to? You can’t cancel your appointment. Heard on the news this morning about more snow up north. Totally disgusting! Good luck today with just living! Brenda
ReplyDeleteHi Brenda- I have 2 of the boys stopping in on Thursday afternoon--plus a very kind Lady is coming in the morning-He cannot come with me--as he would have problems walking AND needs a washroom a lot-Lynda
DeletePHOENIX1949
ReplyDelete(HUGS) It's the disease that causes this behavior. Likely the chalkboard will not be enough as the mis-behavior escalates. Reason and logic don't work most of the time. Dad used to accuse Mom of having affairs when she wasn't in plain sight. And, he would tell their neighbors she was running around on him along with wild stories about each of us 5 children. (HUGS) To give her a break when she would hit a breaking point (sometimes shortly after I arrived home from being with them) I would drive back over and take them to the local Wal-Mart and sit with Dad in the McDonald's so he could enjoy his custard cone there. This worked a few times then he would panic if she wasn't in his eyesight range and would take off running wildly through the store crying and screaming out her name and not calm down until he found her. I was at their house almost every day but could not get Mom to understand she needed to get him into an Alzheimer's care facility for her health and safety. (HUGS) She wouldn't hear of it even when he recognized us about 5% of the time. Dad had 5 brothers and some would take turns hanging out with him but eventually he would pace frantically around the house and yard and repeatedly ask them where she was. (HUGS) This is such a painful disease. (HUGS)
OMG-- Himself accuses me of having affairs too--I thought it was just ,me , that happens to--Did your Dad ever go to a "Care Facility"--?--- Last evening was the worst I have ever seen him--and to-day he can't remember any of it--Dr Chau who deals with this all the time is coming at the end of May--Hopefully he will tell me how to handle all of this maybe in a better way?--So far, he is not on meds for it--Was yer Dad?--
DeleteThanks for being here-Lynda
PHOENIX1949
DeleteNo on the care facility because Mom wouldn't hear of leaving him with strangers. However, we placed him on the long wait list (against Mom's wishes) at the place considered top in our State for caring for dementia patients. We were constantly figuring out workarounds for dealing with this.
A sister's mother-in-law did go to a day care center as her adult family members all had very demanding full-time jobs. This place didn't just have folks sitting around. They had activities and one that helped bring back memories and calm folks was the music of their youths.
On the affairs accusations, this cut Mom deep. They met in elementary school and married right after WWII ended and had been married over 50 years & raised 5 children when this became a regular occurence. As hard as it is, you have to remind yourself over and over and that it is not Fred, it is the disease.
Along the way Dad tried a few medications but no changes other than the negative side-effects.
I sure hope your dental appointment went well yesterday. Guess we both had to deal with it the same day. I am so sorry that you had all that going on when you got home. Now you must be very worried for your Thursday appointment that you waited so long for. I wish you could find good help for your appointments. I would help if I wasn’t clear in Ohio. I feel for you and know the stress you must feel. Stay strong, like we always need to, it is hard! Especially, when we have to stress about a nervous appointment too. Hugs for you!
ReplyDeleteI think it will go OK Thursday--2 of the boys are going to come out, plus a Lady friend of mine is coming in the morning---- YU know, he cannot remember yesterday at all---- crazy awful disease --- Lynda
DeleteSo glad to hear the boys will be helping!
DeleteLynda, I feel for you! Can you take Himself to your appointment in Sudbury. He could sit in the extra chair in the room or wait in the waiting room if the front desk staff are willing to look out for him. Most are understanding and helpful.
ReplyDeleteA chalk board is a great idea. He may take a while to remember to look at it. Maybe in addition post-it notes all over where he goes.
We have a wind advisory here til this evening, but much better forecast for the next couple days. Our snow had been all gone for a week or so. More birds and other small animals around. We have many feral cats in town, too. Wish I could help them all. Maybe TNR. Do you know what that is?
I love your poster about taking time for yourself. Gosh honey, if we don't care for ourselves (physically, mentally and spiritually), we can't take care of anyone else!
Quiet day for me...garbage and recyclables out, a load or 2 of laundry, my strength exercise (I've added squats and lunges. They're supposed to help us keep our balance) I have speeches to rewrite as I lost them all with my new pc. It can't open them anymore cuz they're in an old word processing program. I was a member of Toastmasters International for over 20 years and want to get 'out there' again. I am preparing to send a press release and send flyers to local community groups.
We will make it a good day. I'm sure today will be better for you. Did those ladies who were going to see what help you could get ever reschedule? It would be easier for them to get to you now. {{{HUGS}}}
No Himself cannot come with me-- He uses the bathroom a lot--plus he is not steady on his feet-- I bought the Dry Eraser Board and will write on it every time I need to leave him--
DeleteNow what is TNR?__I have never heard of that! --And Himself has been good today--( I took ho town with me---)and I bought that dry eraser board--- Your Toastmasters sounds like fun-Lynda
Lynda, I am searching back for your brother's name and address. Can you repeat it, please? I should have saved it! {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteI wonder if any of your sons could just drop in to see how Himself is doing when you are in Sudbury. It will be a long time for him to be alone. If your sons are aware that you have to be away for a long time they might try to check on him. It might be best to put Lopez in his kennel while you are gone so that he won't get Himself upset. I am thinking good thoughts that everything will turn out just fine. Take care. HUGS
ReplyDeleteYes Madeline --3 sons are going to drop in and check on my poor husband-- --Lopez is going to Son#3 for the day snd yes, please think of good thoughts for Thursday-- *S*-- Hugs-Lynda
Delete(((HUGS))) So sorry Himself was in panic mode. Hard for both of you. **SIGH** Yes, a white board is a good idea. And sadly, yes, it does seem like he needs someone to be w/him when your gone. So difficult. Wishing you luck, my dear. I hope that you can find someone to stay w/him when you go to your eye appointment.
ReplyDeleteAnd as horrible as the episode is, they truly don’t remember it. **SIGH** Glad that at least Lopez will go to son #3 and son #1 will stop in after work. (((HUGS)))
Yesterday we had snow showers, too. Not appreciated in May.
Sending lots of hugs.
Barb
1crazydog
Barb--Yu are SO right--- He does not remember how he was acting last evening--It boggles the mind eh?-He was like a kid--absolutely afraid I had left him--yelling pounding the table--Son#2 says I shud film it--I do feel sorry for him--I just got back from the Dollar Store-bought a Dry Eraser which I will write on everytime I go out--plus a nice Lady is coming out here Thursday Morning--and Son #4 and Son#1 will come in the afternoon--AND--Lopez is going to Son#3--Lynda
DeleteOh Kathy-- He is so much better to-day-- He was so frightened yesterday--I was just at Dollarama---bought a dry eraser board--to tell him--on the board--where I am and when I will be back home-- Poor guy eh?-- These are the times I realize that he really has a problem---Some days --like go-day, he is almost normal and then I begin to think that he is \not so bad--and yu know, he cannot remember how he acted yesterday-- Terrible disease yu know! --Hugs and thanks for caring-Lynda
ReplyDeleteI am glad you found some temporary work-arounds for the next appointment, but this is so hard. Many, many virtual hugs for you, and hope that solutions keep presenting themselves to minimize the terrible times.!
ReplyDeleteThanks Barb--So did yu pass the test with Carl and yer son?--LOL-Lynda
DeleteLynda, I'm so terribly sorry about your bad day. You are strong but this is too much without help. I am so happy to hear the boys will check on him during your eye apt. and Lopez will be away.
ReplyDeleteGlad a friend will come for a bit too. IF DH remembers to check the board that may help.
What happened to rescheduling the 2 ladies that were to come out to help with resources to sit with DH?
I'm glad the boys seem to be aware that you need help and they do help when asked.
Its likely good that DH doesn't remember yesterday but it doesn't make the hurt less for you. Bottom line is get help and take care of YOU.
We'd all love to help but we're too far away..
know that we understand and we love you.. Some of us (me) are dealing with similar situations. It is hard!
Hang in. Stay strong. Cry when you need to.
Much love
Hugs
Those 2 Ladies ended up not coming-- my problem really-- It seems any time "they" can come--I cannot have them--Thanks for your support tho Margene--Big ugs-Lynda
DeleteWe do have a Dementia Day care here in town--but I keep thinkig he isn't there yet--then days like yesterday come--and maybe he is nearly there--Lynda
ReplyDeleteTake him with you. Old men are like little kids...everyone wants to help with them.
ReplyDeleteWhat a terrible day you had, just getting dental work done. It’s like having a two year old at home, wish you would have videoed it, as proof, the doctor should see what goes on. Some day you will realize how dangerous it could suddenly become. So glad your sons and a friend will look in on him at home. Nope, no trip for him, either, it’s sad though. Sigh. What a world someone made. You are holding together so well, my goodness, thank heavens. Wish your healthcare people would do more than just pat your hand. Hope you sleep ok.
ReplyDeleteYep - I know what you are going through...tried to take care of my mom when she had Alzheimers and my hubby was still alive. We played "tag team" as one of us always had to be with her....it was overwhelming. He would say "I'm going to walk out and get the mail" so I would know I was in charge of mom.....so hard to have to have someone watch over her every single second....and she was not a good sleeper so we even had to deal with her during the night. I finally realized I could no longer do it and found a wonderful memory care assisted living place for her to live in. I don't know what I would have done without my loving husband to help me. But as you know, he passed and so I continued visiting my mom daily until Covid, and then she passed.....so my message is to you is that YOU NEED HELP! You are at the point in your life where you cannot be the only caretaker of Fred. Your blog today brought tears to my eyes as I know the distress you are feeling. Please seek help! I know you have tried to find people in the past, and things have fallen through, but you are at your breaking point. You can not keep going as you are now....as hard as it is, it is only going to get harder. Dementia is a horrible thing to watch our loved ones go through, and we want to be there for them, but sometimes we just have to "Let Go and Let God". Praying that you can find someone or something or someplace to help you!
ReplyDeleteOh Lynda. My heart breaks for you. It is such a cruel disease - here you are doing everything, and he gets angry at you. Knowing it's the disease is fine intellectually; but it still hurts emotionally to be accused of things and feel so wrung out. I have a few memories of my mom doing some hurtful things and she was NOT a mean person. It still was like a dagger to the heart. Others have made suggestions; my mom finally did go into care so it gave my dad a break but it still is hard. My dad visited every day and he was still called a lot by the staff. There are no good solutions. Not meaning to be negative. Just the reality which you are too keenly aware of. You can cry, this is a hard hard thing.
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