In the middle of all this, himself decided to come out and ask Son#1 to start our snow blower--I told him we should not be using the snowblower yet and-- you know , he began to pound on the door, right in front of my face-------I realized then that he is not normal anymore--He does not like me telling him what to do-- knew then that if he could've , he would've pounded me--Isn't that a "fine kettle of fish" ?--(Mom's expression)-----It hurts so much to see your husband in such a state!--- He used to be such a gentle person-- and it seems now he is so full of anger-
I guess you could say that I am beginning to realize that living with someone with some form of dementia , is "not all it's cracked up too be"---(Mom's expression for sure!)----It is a whole lot of work---and it seems to get worse as the days go by--Are many of you out there dealing with this also?--Have you ever dealt with this?- -I always appreciate your comments---
Good thing that I am in a good mood-- I believe that helps one get thru a lot of "stuff"---Lord love a Duck! We must "stay strong"- -----Each day is a new beginning-- and---- we can make the best of it---but------Sometimes- it is necessary to be even more stronger!
Good morning, Lynda. Yes, we get our flu shots every year but this year's one knock us to bed. Glad that didn't happen to you or your DH. So thankful for your son helping you out with the snow even after you had worked much. As I've told you before, I don't know how you deal with your DH with dementia by yourself. I couldn't and can't. Had both my parents with it. Dad passed away a long time ago but ended up in a care facility and my mom spent 11 years with me until dementia got unbearable. Now she's with a lady who takes care of her. I just can't.
ReplyDeleteOh, all the snow... again! Glad your son is helping out. And I'm not dealing with being a care-giver, but my heart goes out to you. A friend who has recently gone through some of this with her mother, from a distance, called last night. They managed to get her mom moved to a care home, but her dad is still out "at the ranch" on his own. She'll find out more over Thanksgiving (US) as she has a 200 mile drive to get there.
ReplyDeleteHoping things get handled and you don't have to do it all yourself.
You are a strong and amazing women, my MIL cared for my FIL for many years until she finally to my husband and his sister enough they needed to help her get Dad into a place because she was afraid. Think about talking to the kids again. . . or least ones that might to be more understanding of your situation. He isn't getting any better and most likely won't without some kind of intervention. My thoughts are with you. PS Our snow is melting today in NH
ReplyDeleteLynda, I'm glad son came to help with snow. You CAN NOT do that yourself. Blower or not.
ReplyDeleteMy husband has cognitive issues...mostly due to very bad hearing and very limited vision. I hear you. May be time to talk to kids...again.... and get some HELP or at least a plan. You cannot handle everything. Not humanly possible.
Take care of YOU
hugs
Blower
Here where we live, you have to put a name on a list at a care home, it is not like a motel or hotel! Or a doctor puts the patients name on the list. There have been spouses killed by the dementia patient, because they are like a toddler and do not know what they are doing. This is serious stuff. It is a good lesson for those who are just beginning to care for a spouse with dementia, think about moving sooner rather than later. Do not tarry, It is too much for one older person to move by themselves. Care for yourself.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteDid your son witness the outburst with door pounding or was he already busy ploughing? This is the second physical outburst that I remember reading about with the first being hitting Beau.
My previous kind, gentle, soft-spoken father forcibly shoved me while berating me with curses on two occasions that really confused and saddened me. I asked Mom if he had ever gotten phsycial with her and she softly answered no while looking downward which to me was a yes- but answer as she followed with a comment that her life-long friend E. had it much worse than her in dealing with her husband.
Mom tried to handle this on her own for a long time trying to not worry the five of us children. Also, she didn't want to deal with the consideration of putting him in a care facility which was totally understandable. She called me one day and commented that he had not returned yet from getting his hair cut (same barber for 30+ years, 1/2 mile from their house). He had gone in the morning and she called the barber to ask when he left and learned he never arrived. She waited a few hours before calling me and I headed to her house to discuss what we should do. I forget how much time had gone by, but it was well over 4 hours. Her phone rang and it was a stranger on the line explaining that she had seen an elderly man crying on a bench at a mall on the other side of town. She asked him what was wrong and if could she help. He told her he was lost and handed her his wallet which contained a family phone contact list and thankfully she called rather than taking off with his wallet. Off we went to the mall along with a neighbor to dirve his car back grateful that the lady who called stayed with him untill we got there. Time, more likely well past time, for taking his keys which Mom resisted big time since she didn't drive. Tricky line to walk helping independent parents try to maintain this sense of independence while dealing with the demential chaos.
The four of us sisters had a meeting to discuss this news and signed up for some workshops sponsored by the Alzheimer's Foundation and started getting actively involved which was not always welcomed. We worked out schedules for their activities (busy people) to make sure they always had someone to gladly drive them places. We also got him on the waiting list for the top two dementia care facilities. Our brother lived in Florida and we were all in Central Texas and he couldn't deal with the details we tried to share. Everyone copes their own way.
I didn't intend to write a whole blog (mini-book) as a comment to your blog but hope you might find something helpful in this. As the eldest daughter with medical and durable power of attorney for the parents I was involved far more than the others. I also had been "downsized" at work and the sisters were working full-time, plus care of their children (I didn't have children). I became my Mom's right-hand person in the daily trenches of this horrible disease where you watch someone die very slowly over time.
Today is the 25th anniversary of my sweet father's passing, RIP.
(((hugs)))
When I started typing my comment there were none ahead of me. When I hit send it was way too long so I cropped out 3 paragraphs.
DeleteYour safety and well-being should be first and foremost when dealing with your spouses dementia! Time to be very PROACTIVE instead of REACTIVE. (((hugs)))
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My grandfather had Alzheimer's and I remember one time he had to be in the hospital for some tests. My grandmother didn't even want to visit him. It must have been so hard on her. They had to get special locks on their doors that he couldn't open because he would slip out at night and walk to the house where they lived in the 40's. I'm glad your son is willing to help out with the plowing. My husband hasn't taken out the snow blower yet either because the ground isn't frozen enough - he always blows a path and a potty place for Daisy. Take care. We are all thinking of you!
DeleteLynda, did son #1 see that happen with himself? I hope he did. If so, he could tell his siblings. Even though he would feel terrible if he knew, he can and would hurt you without knowing. You really do need help or at least someone to come by and check daily. You're no good to anyone if you are injured. No one thought my 80 lb. grandma could hurt anyone but she almost killed my aunt by hitting her head with her cane in the wrong spot. Please talk to the Alzheimer society and see if they can help you. Take care.
ReplyDeleteYour son came and plowed, which was great, AND, he offered to do it any time it snows, just perhaps not right away, which is wonderful, but I noticed you still talked about the need to shovel again. Maybe you need to wait and see what he is able to help you with before you rush out and do anymore shoveling. Sometimes you just need to let someone else handle things. 😀
ReplyDeleteAs for dementia, my father had Alzheimer’s and my mother took care of him for years before we insisted he move into a care facility and helped arrange for that to happen. We should have insisted much earlier. He was always his kind self, but it seemed like one crisis after another and my mother had no life and lived in constant depression and exhaustion. We were all busy with our own families and jobs and could only do so much.I think it is better to be proactive, and start planning for care options, including home help and getting him on a list for a care facility.
The reality of dementia is just plain hard, and sad, and there are no happy solutions.
My mom at 90 has dementia and I took care of her for as long as I could within the boundaries that she set, wanting to stay in her house. It couldn't be done anymore, she could not be alone and now she is in a nursing home and there she is kinda and pleasant to all but me. I often feel guilty that I did it and had to clear out and sell her house as well as feeling guilty I don't visit enough but I know she is cared for and eating well and getting exercise and activities and most of all safe because in her home she would go outside and then get confused and forget how to get in her home. In your area that would be really scary. The guilt I had to do this will fade as I tell myself that she is better there than putting cooked bacon (on a gas stove) in a kitchen drawer. Stop doing all of this alone! It will kill you! And your kids will say - why didn't mom tell us.
ReplyDeleteI had to put my mom in an Assisted Living Home. I tried to have her live with me, but it was like having a baby in the house - she could never be left alone. She followed me around everywhere and if she could see me, she would call out and ask my late husband where I was! We had to "tag team" each other so one of us was always watching out for her if the other one went outside to even just get the mail! The worst part was she hated to bathe! She loved being in the assisted living facility! The did activities like bingo, chair yoga, and took her square dancing and to the Knights of Columbus next door on Fridays for a happy hour! It was great and I visited her often.....but then Covid came and I could no longer see her - except through a window. She went downhill fast as they no longer could go out of the facility to places - and of course I couldn't take her out shopping or to eat or even just drive around because of the Covid quarantine! So 2 months later she passed away....she died shortly before her 93rd birthday. I was so sad that everything ended like that. She did not have covid. I think she died of lonliness. If you can find a place for Fred where they keep him involved and he can be and talk with other people, he might become more active. I guess the biggest downside is the cost. Very expensive! And of course the backlash you might get from your kids if they didn't feel he needed to be in a care facility. Sending you hugs! You are dealing with alot!
ReplyDeleteYou sure do have more snow that we have! We have wind, cold...below 0F with wind chills figured in. It's supposed to be over freezing by Tuesday. Go figure.
ReplyDeleteI am blessed that we have no dementia in the immediate family. I have mentioned, though, that my daughter's father-in-law had it. He just recently passed. His dear wife was, of course, devastated, but still considered it a blessing. He is now at peace.
I knew your family would help you with the snow! Your son doesn't
not want you to over-tax yourself. You don't need a heart attack or stroke!
It's now Sunday morning. Thought I commented yesterday...but I either forgot to enter my name and it came up anon...on was too busy getting layers of clothes on to go for karaoke.
Being in a good mood is the best place to be...looking for the positive side of things and finding things in our lives to appreciate. {{{HUGS}}}
Please, please be open to what those who have commented before me are saying. Things with Himself are not going to get better, and he has gotten to the point where his cognitive decline means you're the one who has to make decisions. After my mother passed, my father loved his time in his retirement community and then, at 96, his three years in an adult family home -- and I felt secure knowing he was treated with care and respect, ate well, and was safe.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry Lynda....you need to have a sit down with the boys or whichever one will listen to you...If he injures you, even though he normally would never do that.........you both are in trouble.. I am very worried for your safety.
ReplyDelete