A new day--- Lord love a duck! -- I need to talk to someone so much---- but--- I do not know where to turn----- so------I'll talk to you---
-Living with a husband who cannot hear too well--cannot see too well (so cannot read or help with the banking etc)--is not very steady on his feet--has fallen several times---and I think , --living with those afflictions, make his world very small--like there are walls around what he used to be able to do--- He becomes frustrated---- I understand that!--- And, I usually am able to deal with him living like this--
But--- Yesterday I went out--- had my hair done--- did some banking--- and went to a grocery store, as he had requested some frozen foods--I left at 2pm--was home perhaps by 4pm--and---- He was just not himself at all--Angry-------telling me all sorts of stuff--that he didn't belong here--that I had no love for him-- Well, it just went on and on---until I was in tears-
-Looking after someone that you are married to, that yu have spent your life with--raised a family with, and hearing all of this, just totally devastates one---you feel very alone--- Organizations in town have offered their services--- have said they will come and sit with him, so I can do a few errands--but-- at their time--like--8am -to 10am---and--we do have 2 dogs--- who would have to be away if they came---- and 8am is just not suitable for Himself--
So, I tell myself that I CAN DO THIS----- the grown children seem to not understand--because Himself never treats them like he does me-- It can be very lonely------Himself has good days----and -then somedays , the frustration is just too much for him--especially if he hasn't been out of the house for awhile- like yesterday--Some days we just go for a drive, and his spirits are lifted so much--just seeing that there is a world out there and then he feels a part of that world.--
If any of you know of a person going thru all of this, ask their caregiver--or their spouse , if perhaps you could take them for a even an hour out of their home--the drive--pick up a coffee somewhere-- That drive gets rid of the walls around them--They are a part of the world again--They see other people--
Himself is almost 95 years--He is A Family Physician--Well, he was!--and he is very tuned into life in general---but--- the frustration of losing his ability to walk, to hear, and talk, ---- breaks my heart-- And you know, because he is not able to hear, I have to raise my voice to chat with him, and---as crazy as this all sounds-- Lopez, the Chihuahua thinks I am angry with him, so tries to bark at him-- jumps at him--- more chaos--(Maybe don't get a Chihuahua--LOLOL--and I love the wee Chihuahua)
Anyway,---Spouses living with someone going thru all this, must be stronger than they really are-- because, everything falls onto their lap----The everyday things like housekeeping--the yard--the house-y chores, the banking-----then they must support the poor spouse who is having a bad day and taking it all out on them---
Well, I don't know about you, but I feel better already, just talking about "life" with a super intelligent person, trying to live his life which has changed drastically as the years roll on----and on--and on--
`````````````` " Keep Going, You Got This"------some days I say this many many times-----as the tears roll down----I love this guy--
I wish that I had some great advice, but got nothing …. It’s so tough. My good friend is going through this and you just have to realize not to take things personally. And it is so very hard.
ReplyDeleteAs we age, we realize it’s just us against the world. Nobody is coming to our rescue and no one really needs us anymore. What we do have is friends to talk to. And that is us! We women just need to get everything out in the open. Have someone to listen. Have someone who isn’t going to tell us what to do. Because, we have and will be strong. Thank goodness I have wonderful friends. No criticism. Just an ear…. And you have all of us!
I have learned to play in my garden and enjoy my dog. The rest can come and go as they please. WE GOT THIS!
Hugs, Jacquie
Jackie yu are so right- It's terrible but--so true--no-one really needs us anymore-- Lordy Be--That is terrible isn't it?--My Chihuahua needs me--LOL-Yes---the garden--and the dogs--and thank goodness, that I have yu all-that is our life--LOL--I love it!
DeleteAwwwww, ((((HUGS)))) Lynda. It IS heartbreaking to see a once-vibrant person have their world shrunk by loss of hearing, mobility, vision. All this definitely adds up to major frustrations and they take it out on the person closest to them, and unfortunately, that seems to be YOU. Hard . . . to . . . take. Did he not exhibit any of this while the kids were there??? **SIGH**
ReplyDeleteAnd intellectually I know you realize that what he says is NOT his true feelings. It is the frustration speaking. BUT to be sure, that does NOT make the words sting any less. I feel for you. I went through all of this w/my parents, but this is truly more magnified when it’s your spouse.
So glad that writing this relieved a little of the stress for you Wish I lived closer to help and for sure, the dogs wouldn’t have to go anywhere!
As has been said time and time again, you have a listening ear in all of us here, and sending virtual hugs and love.
barb
1crazydog
Barb-- He has never demonstrated this behaviour when any of the kids are here-nor to them--I know it is because he is frustrated -I doubt if he remembers it now-Lynda
DeleteMy husband had a stroke and had neurological damage and was paralyzed on the left side. He was in a nursing home for ten years until he passed. He was very angry and he took it out one me every day. It was very stressful especially at that time because I was still working and visited every day right from work until 8PM. Luckily there were many other women that had husbands there and we became friendly and it made life easier to handle. Talking to others does help and you know that we are here to listen to anything you want to talk about. You are so strong and can do this. Hugs
ReplyDeleteThank yu--and yes-talking about it does relieve the stress-- Yu are a Saint to have survived all that--Lynda
DeleteOh man, Lynda. Why do we always have to have the old “stiff upper lip”? It isn’t good for us, no prizes given for it! We have mentioned before, when that baloney starts, video it, so people can see how it goes!! Protect yourself, remember when he was hitting you? You should not be forced to suffer verbal abuse, either. Be brave, show what is going on…..dang it! It’s not your fault he is mentally and physically unstable.
ReplyDeleteSon#2 tells me to video it - just tough when yu are in the situation-Lynda
DeleteI have not experienced anything like this but I am sending you lots of love and hugs. I know it must be so emotional to have a changed environment with himself declining. I wish you had more people around you to support you and cheer you on and help you! Thinking of you in Ohio!:)
ReplyDeleteThank yu for just listening--It really helps me--Lynda
DeleteHappy to listen!
DeleteOh Lynda, your pain and sadness comes through clear in your blogs. I think about you and the situation you're in, all the time. Clearly your sons need to recognize that their father is not the same man he used to be and they need to step in and help their mom.
ReplyDeleteThere would be nothing worse than taking care of a mate who was once a loving, caring man but who now is an angry with life man and takes it out on you, the only person who is taking care of him.
We do need to be taken out, take it from someone who is stuck in their apt and gets out twice a month. The four walls become a prison and we try hard to break down those walls. A drive is just the ticket, a nice long drive along the water if possible or in the countryside to admire things, to look at the sky, fields, lakes.
You're doing the best you can and it seems to me you're doing awesome with the situation but your sons do need to come to bat and help you with their dad.
Love to you & Fred, many hugs coming to you! xoxoxoxoxoxo
Gloria--- Thank yu --thank yu --thank yu---for understanding--And yes, he seems so much better if he gets out-- sees the world with people in it--and yu know, to-night he is OK-- one never knows when his "muddled head" begins----Thank yu Gloria for understanding-He becomes so different at times, its hard for me to believe it--Lynda
DeleteIt's Kathy. I'm so glad you feel that you can talk with us. I don't know anyone who is struggling like you are and other than my grandfather who had Alzheimer's no one I have ever known has been in this situation. I do remember that my grandmother wasn't very sad when my grandfather was hospitalized for awhile - she was happy to be home alone for awhile. So I do understand how hard this is for you. And to see someone you love, and have loved for so many years, to be so angry with you. One would say "don't take it personally" but it IS personal! And it hurts so very much. You are the strongest, most courageous person I know. I do wish your children would become more aware of how hard this is on you but sometimes I think our children think mother's are some kind of super hero who never need assistance. Mine are certainly like that. Be strong, Lynda. I will be praying for you and himself!
ReplyDeleteKathy-Bless your heart--Yu really understand--Lynda
DeleteLinda, it has to be so hard on you..You clearly love him a lot and it makes it worse to listen to his carrying on even tho you know he doesn't mean it. And it's also understandable that Lopez would get upset as he doesn't understand and thinks himself is hurting you. Your kids really need to understand more about what is going on and help out some by taking himself for a drive now and then instead of leaving it all up to you. You are the strongest woman I know but that only takes you so far. And if someone would come and stay with himself, as long as the dogs are crated and can't get they can be left at home while they are there. If you press them harder can they not come any later than first thing in the morning? At least you can talk to us. Good luck. Brenda
ReplyDeleteThanks Brenda-- I shall try to get someone in-- I shall try again Lynda
DeleteIt is always good to get negative things off your chest and try to move on, so glad you have this outlet to share your sadness and frustrations in living with your aging spouse. Caretaking can be very stressful. I think you do a great job, it is obvious you love your husband, but you are no "spring chicken" yourself, which makes everything even harder.
ReplyDeleteMy mother took care of my father who suffered from Alzheimers and I have to admit that we adult children had our jobs, kids, etc. to deal with and were very little help until a crisis would occur, and we finally had to step in and find a nursing home for our Dad because his care was too much for our mother. So, no advice, but if it all becomes too much, declare a "crisis" and have some options to present to your children. Nursing Home? Father move in with one of them? Paid help? Whatever. Ask them what they would be doing if you were no longer in the picture to handle things.
Hang in there, you are an amazing woman, and carrying a lot of responsibility. Continue to try to ignore your husband's rants and distract him when he starts up, and don't let him make you feel bad. Hugs!
Oh such good advice--Thank yu---- "Ignore the husband's rants"-==Do not allow him to make me feel bad----- So good of yu to write--I appreciate all yu said- Lynda
DeleteI try very hard to let it go in one ear and out the other--Lynda
ReplyDeleteI can see why you love him. And I understand how hard it is. The 'sister of my heart', my daughter's mother-in-law just lost her husband due to Alz. He was on a list to go to a facility that specialized in care for that but never reached the top. It's funny. She felt a load off her shoulders, knew he was pain free and himself now, but still missed him. That's love!
ReplyDeleteLots of Sadie work for me today, and exercise.
Let's hope tomorrow will be better for us all...including Himself!
I know, have cameras installed. Your kids can watch the videos when things are at their worst and see what you go through!.
{{{HUGS}}}
Yes we have cameras on the outside of the house--not the inside--but-- one can video it on my phone--I would miss himself too if he wasn't here--as strange as it sounds--and yu know., this morning he is OK---Strange disease eh?--Yu al are so good to listen to me complaining about him--I appreciate all your help too-Lynda
DeleteI am just so sorry Lynda...I am sure if he had a choice he would be like he was......we are here for you...........can listen anytime.
ReplyDeleteThank yu Darlene very much!=Lynda
DeleteHugs Lynda. I'm pleased you share and feel safe sharing. I have a very similar situation with DH minus verbal/physical abuse...the frustration is likely more on my side. I have compassion fatigue. Living with someone frail who can't see nor hear is a challenge. Your advantage is having your boys close by. They will come if you ask. Makes it no easier for you in the moment. Im sorry. big hugs. I understand.
ReplyDeletePlay your piano and DO go for rides.
Hugs
About the best I can do is remind you that you are not alone. The friend I walked with this morning is going through this kind of thing with her parents. Her mom's in a care center, her dad is out on the ranch on his own. She lives here, clear across the state from them, but of course goes out to visit.
ReplyDeleteShe was saying how her dad perked up when she was there, took her and the friend who went out there with her on rides to tour the fields, etc. But when they are gone... she worries about him. People who are alone do struggle!
So hugs & keep on, courage and love... hand in hand!